I´m Mai. Two months ago I suffered a missed
miscarriage at 9 weeks pregnant. Since then, I don´t remember a single day in
which I haven´t felt depressed, or anxious, or afraid, or guilty, or a
combination of those feelings.
We had seen the heartbeat of our baby at week 6,
and were feeling everything would be ok. Only do I realize now how
absolutely happy I was back then.
One afternoon at week 9 I noticed a minimal
blood stain in my underwear. I called the doctor who reassured me that this was
normal, nothing to worry about. Two days later I noticed a bit more spotting
and decided to get an ultrasound at a private clinic. The person making the
scan remained silent for what seemed an eternity. In the first ultrasound the
heartbeat was obvious, but this time it was clear there was no heartbeat. I
don´t even have words to express what I felt then. My heart broke.
As I had no signs of major bleeding, I was given
the choice between having a D&C or taking pills to expel the embryo. I
opted for the pills (Cytotec), as I thought it would be less invasive. The
doctor recommended taking them next day first thing in the morning. However I
took the pills that day before going to bed. It may be weird, but I couldn´t
bear to have my dead embryo inside me any longer after I knew. I wanted to get
it over with as soon as possible. It was an awful night. The pills made their
job, but it was a very painful -both physical and emotionally- process. After
that I kept bleeding for a week.
Despite the infinite sadness, I felt optimistic
about getting pregnant again. Previously I got pregnant the first month we
tried. We did not do anything except having sex during the middle days of my
cycle. I thought I´d be pregnant that very same month or, being pessimistic,
the next cycle. That has proven not to be the case.
To increase my chances of getting a BFP, I
bought digital ovulation tests (Clearblue), I didn´t stop taking prenatal
vitamins, and in addition I asked my husband to take folic acid and zinc to
help his swimmers. In just some months, getting pregnant has passed from being
something fun, to be something scientific J
Today I got AF (Aunt Flo). This means I am starting my
third cycle after the abortion, and still no baby on the way. I feel so
disappointed and sad, and sometimes feel like there something wrong with me and
I will never be able to get a BFP again. I´ve heard that after miscarriage you
are even more fertile that before, and that makes me feel even more miserable.
Well, probably I will feel better in a couple of
days, as I´ll get my hopes up for this cycle. I´m planning getting even more
scientific! J Apart from using the OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit), I´ll start
charting my temperatures. And I asked my husband to take selenium on top of
everything else… I even recognize to myself that I am getting a bit crazy about
this…
If you made it till here, thanks for reading my craziness J I´ll keep
you updated. I am very sorry if any of you have experienced a miscarriage too. If
you did, how long after the loss did you get your BFP? I could use a bit of
hope today J
