This blog is written by a 28-year-old that has suffered 2 miscarriages, and that wants to share her feelings and experience with other women going through the same heart-break. The blog is written in English so it can help as many women as possible. However, you are welcome to write your comments and questions in Spanish and Italian as well.

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Missed miscarriage

I´m Mai. Two months ago I suffered a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks pregnant. Since then, I don´t remember a single day in which I haven´t felt depressed, or anxious, or afraid, or guilty, or a combination of those feelings.

We had seen the heartbeat of our baby at week 6, and were feeling everything would be ok. Only do I realize now how absolutely happy I was back then.

One afternoon at week 9 I noticed a minimal blood stain in my underwear. I called the doctor who reassured me that this was normal, nothing to worry about. Two days later I noticed a bit more spotting and decided to get an ultrasound at a private clinic. The person making the scan remained silent for what seemed an eternity. In the first ultrasound the heartbeat was obvious, but this time it was clear there was no heartbeat. I don´t even have words to express what I felt then. My heart broke.

As I had no signs of major bleeding, I was given the choice between having a D&C or taking pills to expel the embryo. I opted for the pills (Cytotec), as I thought it would be less invasive. The doctor recommended taking them next day first thing in the morning. However I took the pills that day before going to bed. It may be weird, but I couldn´t bear to have my dead embryo inside me any longer after I knew. I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. It was an awful night. The pills made their job, but it was a very painful -both physical and emotionally- process. After that I kept bleeding for a week.

Despite the infinite sadness, I felt optimistic about getting pregnant again. Previously I got pregnant the first month we tried. We did not do anything except having sex during the middle days of my cycle. I thought I´d be pregnant that very same month or, being pessimistic, the next cycle. That has proven not to be the case.

To increase my chances of getting a BFP, I bought digital ovulation tests (Clearblue), I didn´t stop taking prenatal vitamins, and in addition I asked my husband to take folic acid and zinc to help his swimmers. In just some months, getting pregnant has passed from being something fun, to be something scientific J

Today I got AF (Aunt Flo). This means I am starting my third cycle after the abortion, and still no baby on the way. I feel so disappointed and sad, and sometimes feel like there something wrong with me and I will never be able to get a BFP again. I´ve heard that after miscarriage you are even more fertile that before, and that makes me feel even more miserable.

Well, probably I will feel better in a couple of days, as I´ll get my hopes up for this cycle. I´m planning getting even more scientific! J Apart from using the OPK (Ovulation Predictor Kit), I´ll start charting my temperatures. And I asked my husband to take selenium on top of everything else… I even recognize to myself that I am getting a bit crazy about this…

If you made it till here, thanks for reading my craziness J I´ll keep you updated. I am very sorry if any of you have experienced a miscarriage too. If you did, how long after the loss did you get your BFP? I could use a bit of hope today J

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